Cliques, Communications, and Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Cliques, Communications, and Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

© Holly Cochran aka Mistress Aidan Cocrinn, O.L., 12-12-2018

LEGAL STUFF: What follows is NOT me speaking as a Great Officer of the Kingdom of Calontir. The following is me, speaking as an individual who happens to be a Peer of the Society, in my capacity as an Arts Peer, one who happens to be relatively senior in my Kingdom -I’m still active, still in my Kingdom, and not yet dead- about my observation of some things people are telling me are happening. It is me giving some ideas, some thinking out loud. Nothing in the following post should be construed or taken as official commentary, policy or procedure of the Kingdom of Calontir, the Office of the Kingdom Minister of Arts and Sciences, or any other official entity of the Kingdom, including the Barony of Forgotten Sea.

 

More than one person over the past several months has mentioned cliquishness – the tendency of a group to divide into subgroups – as a barrier within their SCA group. The barriers this presents are many.

• ·         Newer people may feel unwelcome to participate in certain activities, if they even learn about them at all.
• ·         People may feel unwelcome to “hang out” with people from whom they wish to learn certain skills.
• ·         A person may need a ride to an event and be unable to get one while watching others ask for rides and get multiple offers.
• ·         Someone may offer to teach a class or share a skill and get no interest, while someone else offers very nearly the same thing and people flock to them.
• ·         There comes to be an “in” crowd.

Picture the 1980s teen film classic “The Breakfast Club.” There are the criminals, the jocks, the nerds, the popular kids, the weirdos. 

This is the picture people are painting for me, yet we are – for the most part – adults.

We are supposed to be working on being more inclusive, and on recruiting and retaining new members. Closing doors, either intentionally or through our attitudes and subtle behaviors kills this mission before it leaves the ground.

Say you have run an arts or sciences night at your home the first Thursday of every month for a couple of decades, and a lot of people in your group know about it. People attend as they need to, whether it is for sewing help, armor repair, painting preprints. A core group in your area knows about the Thursday night meet up, attends, tells their friends if needed. 

New people come to the local group. Do they hear about your Thursday night meet up? Are they welcome? Are they invited, given directions? Does someone bring them to the Thursday night thing and introduce them around, make them feel included? 

Say your group A&S officer is one of the newer people in the local group, relatively speaking. Has anyone told him or her about this Thursday night meet up? Or is this just institutional lore that “everyone” assumes “everyone” knows about? 

I humbly suggest that as host of the Thursday night thing, you should at the very least clue in your A&S officer once a year that this thing happens, when and where it happens, and that yes – everyone (really, no really, everyone) is welcome on those nights. You could even post it to your group’s social media page or have your web minister put it on the group calendar every first Thursday, along with the specifics. I guarantee you, “everyone” is not aware of your thing, probably including your A&S officer, unless you tell them.

Does this mean that every gathering of friends to do A&S stuff needs to be public and open to all? Heavens no!

However, be aware that when you post pictures of six or eight people having loads of fun doing something, hanging out and being the “cool kids” on your Kingdom or Group social media page, label it as “Arts Night at Our House”– people will feel left out. Like they are not cool enough to be invited, or to be part of the cool kids’ group. Especially if the cool kids group includes top-ranking peers, Royalty, etc. 

Think about the optics. 

You are a newer person, or a shy person, or a person who wants to learn how to be like those folks. You see them at events in the awesome garb and accessories. The peers always seem to have their associates elevated on a fast track. They seem to be the most respected people in the Kingdom (and they probably are). You really want to learn to be an awesome SCA player like they are. 

But their group appears – at least from the outside – to be closed off to you. You may not have the gumption to approach such awesomeness, and you don’t really know anyone to introduce you, help you get into that group. But those posted pix look like such a blast, even outside of events.

What to do?

Here is another scenario.  You live in a relatively large, well-established group in the Kingdom. From the outside, the group looks vibrant and healthy. A person who has been in the group for a while has taken over an officer job. This new officer is trying to get some new and different things started in your group – it might be changes in the social media presence for your group, changes in activities, getting information out to new people about activities that are already happening. They are not just floating along with the status quo. 

They are trying to get people enthusiastic, trying to come up with new ideas. They are frustrated, they feel like they get met with roadblocks at every turn. They want people to contribute to the success of the group and to forming and acting on new ideas – after all, it shouldn’t just be one person pulling the load.

This person is one of those who might ask for a ride to an event and be met with the sound of crickets, while others in the same group ask the same and find rides easily. They cannot get information from people about what is going on in their area of authority – including those things that “everyone” knows have been happening “forever.”  What do you tell this person? How do you suggest this person go about doing their job?

 

So next time you think that someone is bugging you too much to report what you do for their report, stop and think – do they actually KNOW what you do? Have you made sure people – all of them, if they should all know – know what you do, when and where? Maybe take that extra step to ensure it.

Are you being inclusive or exclusive in your behavior? 

What are the optics? 

Are you bragging about how you are part of the cool kids? Or are you reaching out to the uncool kids and helping them/us become cooler kids? Are you opening your doors, your household, your talents to those who have less skill? 

Are you talking about people when you think it’s behind their backs – about their garb, their art, their sciences, their demeanor, whatever (but you know, there is no such thing as “behind their back” – because it always gets back) – or are you actually reaching out in a helpful (not hurtful, not talking down to) way to bring them up?

Do you know about the gentle art of giving feedback and encouragement?

Or do you simply snub those whom you find less than, and leave it to others to help them if they will?

Do you take a moment to think that those who are “less than” in your eyes may appear rough in their demeanor as a defense against being hurt again and again by people who see themselves as better than?

Have you ever been laughed at because of how you look, how you talk, how your project turned out despite your best efforts? 

Have you ever felt ashamed just to BE? Lots of people we interact with, not just in the SCA, are ashamed just to BE every day of their lives, or they have been so hurt in their lives by whatever (family, abuse, real war, you name it) that they put on a harsh front just to get through the day without hurting themselves or someone else. 

Do you assume you know them and their pain because of that façade, and write them off, or do you step outside and try to be a better person and give of yourself? 

I see a lot of people writing off other people, shaming others, seeing others as less than rather than remembering that they have plenty of faults and character flaws, too. 

Are you playing “The Breakfast Club” game and dividing up our Society into Us and Them? Jocks, nerds, criminals, popular kids, weirdos? 

Or are you doing a little bit extra to make the SCA a refuge from that?